There are times...

...I feel my face get stuck in a pursed-lip grimace
...I can catch lightning in a bottle, but there are holes in my lid
...the dealer always wins, but I never get up to leave
...I'm pessimistic about optimism
...I'm too realistic about ideals
...I feel like the sun is a long lost friend

...that I am satisfied
...that I am dutiful
...when I feel unrecognized
...that I am an underachiever and disappointing
...that I am overly criticized
...I am hopeless
...things will never change
...things have to change
...that the testimonies are true
...that God just might not intervene
...that God is silently waiting, tapping his fingers

...that I will be stuck like this for a very long time
...when I am waiting for a savior
...when I know I am a complete fraud
...I believe time heals all wounds
...when the wounds reopen
...when my imagination overtakes me
...when my anger boils
...when I look at old pictures and wonder where I went
...I long to laugh until I feel tired
...I forget when I last laughed like that

...I feel like I am really smart
...I'd rather be flipping burgers
...I wonder why I'm still single
...when I believe Emily was the worst thing that ever happened
...that the break up ruined years of my life
...memories tear me down
...I feel cheated
...I cannot sleep
...I eat too much
...I can't wait to move from here
...when I believe I'm the same kid I was when I was 22
...I am alone and I know it

...when I believe in the odds
...when I know God has a safety net
...I have great company
...memories hold me strong
...people believe in me strongly
...the guitar is an extension of my emotions
...God is near
...I smile and it feels like I'm working new muscles
...I feel great peace and try to exploit it

...I know I'm a whiner
...I know I'm ungrateful
...I know I'm oblivious
...I know I'm safe
...it could be worse
...I know it's really good

Shadow of the Super Bowl

OK...so I borrowed this from another blog, who borrowed it from another blog. But I like it.
“Fax of Life” from Rubel Shelly:

That there is “life outside of football” may be a necessary reminder for some sports fans and couch potatoes now that Super Bowl XLI is over. Now that the Indianapolis Colts have the Lombardi Trophy in hand, some of them may be wondering what they will do until next season begins.

But the line is actually from Tony Dungy, the Colts’ head coach. It wasn’t spoken after last Sunday’s water-logged victory over the Chicago Bears but just after his son James committed suicide 13 months ago.

In a speech he made shortly after that tragedy, Dungy talked about all three of his sons. He spoke first of his middle son, Eric, and said his competitive nature is so focused on athletics that “it’s almost a problem.” Then he turned to his youngest son, Jordan, whose rare congenital condition makes him insensitive to pain.

“That sounds like it’s good at the beginning, but I promise you it’s not,” said Coach Dungy. “We’ve learned some hurts are really necessary for kids. Pain is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what’s good and what’s harmful.”

“Cookies are good,” the coach explained, “but – in Jordan’s mind – if they’re good out on the plate, they’re even better in the oven. He will go right in the oven when my wife’s not looking, reach in, take the rack out, take the pan out, burn his hands – then eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel it.”

“Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be healed,” Dungy said. “Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we’re not quite right, and we need to be healed. And that God will send that healing agent right to the spot. Sometimes pain is the only way that will turn us as kids back to the Father.”

Only then did Coach Dungy speak of his oldest son, James, who took his life three days before Christmas 2005. He spoke of his family’s pain. He talked about lessons they were learning from it. He and his wife have since joined an organization dedicated to preventing teen suicide.